Быть собой, быть с собой

Путь к этому не всегда прост и понятен

«Ты знаешь, я другие очки купила. В них я больше Я.» — внезапно говорит мне Ю., и улыбается. Внутри меня разливается тепло. Я смотрю на Ю., мне хочется ее обнять. Хлопаю в ладоши и говорю «Браво! Ты такая молодчина!» 

С Ю. у нас к тому моменту было 6 сессий позади. Шесть непростых, но очень насыщенных по эмоциям и переживаниям. Ю. отчаянно сопротивлялась, переносила встречи, ссылалась на головную боль и отказывалась выполнять некоторые из предложенных заданий. Одним из главных страхов, одолевавших ее на занятиях, был – «А вдруг все действительно поменяется и мне будет нестерпимо жаль того времени, что я упустила до этого»? В то же время Ю. выражала недоверие процессу, говорила о том, что за 40 лет ничего не изменилось и вряд ли изменится теперь. 

Ю. по-настоящему реализовалась на работе. Она ценный ответственный сотрудник. У Ю. высокие требования к самой себе, и довольна она только тогда, когда выполнено много тяжелой работы. И именно поэтому получает еще больше и больше поручений, выдержать которые не под силу даже супер-продуктивному человеку. Но любовь к коллегам, к тому, что она делает…а главное, ощущение, что там-то она точно востребована так велико, что она продолжает делать работу за троих, постепенно забывая себя и как будто (звучит страшно, поэтому шепотом) запрещая себе мечтать… 

На четвертом занятии Ю. призналась, что наконец-то взяла на работе отпуск. «На 4 дня, а может и на целую неделю! Я так уверенно сказала, что мне нужно, что начальник сразу отпустил. Давно уже ничего такого не делала…». Ю. выглядит немного потерянной в тот момент. Кажется, будто она пока и не знает, как распорядиться внезапно свалившимися на нее свободными деньками. 

«Ты не поверишь!! Мы в аквапарк ходили!!» — выпаливает она на следующей встрече. – «На целый день! На целый день, представляешь? Я думала, и пару часов там не выдержу, а оно вон как. А потом в баре допоздна сидели! В конкурсе участвовали, и выиграли, представляешь? Оооох, это был такой день…А отпуск у меня до конца недели. Нечего, сами пусть». 

Я улыбаюсь. Сохранять нейтральность сейчас так сложно. Мне хочется кричать «Ты такая молодчина, Ю!! Ты такая молодец!!!». И поздравлять, и праздновать, и снова поздравлять. 

Эти маленькие шаги к самому себе невероятно ценные. Это разрешение себе быть, чувствовать, испытывать эмоции, делать то, что хочется сейчас, в моменте. То, что столько лет сложно было себе позволить. Надо праздновать, ведь происходит настоящая магия. 

Ю. не видит того, что вижу я. Она привыкла оценивать себя по тяжкой каждодневной работе, которая видна всем и каждому. А тот невероятный подвиг, что совершается внутри нее, пока сложно не то, что оценить, но даже описать. 

А потом слышится тихо-тихо: «Мне было очень больно, а теперь хорошо». И внутри снова разливается тепло. 







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