О роли коробок в нашей жизни

Представьте, вот родился малыш. Маленький такой, розовощекий. В его багаже еще ничего нет. Родители счастливы (дай Бог), ребенок счастлив, что все вокруг счастливы. Такое вот, вселенское счастье. 

И вот он растет. Мама с папой не всегда довольны. Их счастье не 24/7. Их методы воспитания «по наитию»: нас вырастили – и мы справимся. Они где-то правы, где-то совершают ошибки. А ребенок растет и впитывает.

Он начинает понимать, что в чем-то плох, ему что-то не удается и за это могут ругать. Где-то заслуженно, где-то не очень. Ребенок слышит «руки-крюки», «сколько раз повторять», «ничего не понимаешь», «бестолочь», «посмотри на себя», «что ты наделал» и вот это все. С каждой новой колкой фразой ему как будто (такая метафора) вручают коробку. Вот тебе, это твое, живи с ней. Коробка мрачная, в ней что-то темное, пахнет не очень. Но ребенок несет, ему же близкие люди дали, не чужие.

С количеством вручаемых ему коробок, ребенок начинает быть осторожнее. Ведь никогда не знаешь, откуда снова прилетит. Он делает меньше веселых шагов, больше осторожничает, меньше играет. Прыгать по лужам – нельзя, трогать интересные вещи – нельзя, собаку – нельзя, мороженое – нельзя. Ничего нельзя. Со всем осторожно. Как будто, если порвется платье, случится что-то совершенно ужасное. «Убьют» — шепчет девочка и начинает плакать. Ей страшно гораздо больше, чем больно. И несмотря на то, что «убьют» — это не более, чем фигура речи, для маленького человека крик родителей действительно на грани жизни и смерти.

Первые коробки достаются ребенку от своих. Если поставить их горкой друг на друга и понести, вроде, еще и ничего. Можно жить, даже если знаешь, что «не съешь суп, мама может заболеть», что «это твоя вина, что родители поругались», а еще если говорят, что злиться и обижаться нельзя, бояться нельзя и слабым быть тоже. Не смертельно. 

А теперь давайте добавим садик. И школу, что уж мелочиться. Неадекватные воспитательницы, которым уследить за всеми важнее, чем уделить внимание одному. Учителя, у которых все под одну гребенку. Где коробки начинают сыпаться одна за другой: схлопотал двойку – мало того, что перед классом отчитали, дома еще будет, что о себе узнать. Маша успевает лучше, а Петя, вон, на внеклассные ходит. Лера в олимпиаде победила, а ты…ну, а что ты. Эх, ты. Хоть бы в музыкалку ходила, пианино вон даже купили, не играешь. Иди есть давай. Опять все остыло. 

«Хрясь!» — под тяжестью надвинутых коробок что-то там хрустнуло в юном человеке. Он покачнулся, немного потерял равновесие, поймал верхние, самые легкие, и…ушел в себя. Ну, тут вот где-то переходный возраст. «Мир против меня, я против мира» — думает 14-летнее создание и, сопя, смотрит исподлобья. Груда коробок мешает ему посмотреть, что впереди. Кажется, что ничего. Но он все равно продолжает их нести. Ну а как? По-другому не научили. 

У меня плохие новости. Ни школой, ни институтом, ни работой, ни замужеством, ни детьми – этот период самостоятельно не заканчивается. Весь окружающий мир знает лучше, как нам лучше и как нам жить. И что часики тикают, и что после 30 старородящая, и что двое всяко лучше, чем один, и обязательно в шапке. Добавим коробку «плохая мать», «так себе сотрудник», «у Валерки жена-красавица» и конечно, от создателей — «про родителей забыла совсем». 

Сколько времени еще вы хотите нести все эти коробки? Вы в них заглядывали — что, хотя бы, несете? Оно вообще надо по жизни или нет?

На мой взгляд, наш возраст зрелости (и я тут не про биологический ни разу) наступает тогда, когда мы устаем нести непосильную ношу. А садимся на землю, кладем перед собой коробки. И хорошенько их трясем.

Что вот в этой, покосившейся, с дыркой в левом углу? А, это родительские амбиции. Мои страхи за оценку, медали и дипломы, кружки и секции, что мне самой были неинтересны. Нате, мамапапа, это вам. Я теперь сама в своей жизни решаю, что делаю и как. Хочу – на пятерку, хочу на два. И любить себя от полученной оценки я буду не меньше. 

А вот в этой что? Она вроде и выглядит совсем новой. Ох, это ж про карьеру. Вот трофей первой начальницы – «сиди и не выпендривайся». Держите, марьсеменна, это вам, у меня теперь свой бизнес. А вот, смотрите, неумение радоваться победам. От бабушки – «ну, ты, конечно, молодец по русскому, а по математике почему четыре-то, я не пойму? математика же важна!». Красота какая. Бабушка, держи, это тебе. Я свои победы теперь сама праздную. 

Так…что там дальше?…

——— 

Давайте тут отвлечемся от прекрасной картины. Я сейчас совершенно не про то, чтобы ополчиться на все свое окружение. Конечно, каждый из них (дай Бог) действовал и действует из лучших побуждений и лучшим для того момента образом. Не надо швыряться картоном в родственников и коллег по работе.

Я сейчас про то, чтобы раздать эти коробки внутри себя. Внимательно на них посмотреть. Повертеть содержимое, смахнуть пыль. Вспомнить, откуда оно пришло к вам и зачем. А потом мысленно (если не нужно, конечно) отдать. Это не ваше. Это было с вами, но это не ваше.

Соберите лучше свой рюкзачок. Он позади, так что можно увидеть бескрайний горизонт перед вами. Он легкий и не тянет плечи. Там все самое необходимое. Там только то, что нужно вам. Те знания, умения, заслуги, достижения, опыт. То, что поможет вам двигаться дальше, а не будет оттягивать назад. 

Наденьте свой рюкзачок и подмигните своему внутреннему ребенку. Вместе у вас все получится. 

——— 

А хотите, разберем коробки вместе? Наводить порядок вдвоем всяко легче и веселее. 







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